{"id":1361,"date":"2022-03-04T17:54:22","date_gmt":"2022-03-04T23:54:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/womanmadewell.live\/?p=1361"},"modified":"2023-03-23T16:59:37","modified_gmt":"2023-03-23T21:59:37","slug":"letting-go-before-you-go-under","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/womanmadewell.live\/?p=1361","title":{"rendered":"Letting Go Before You Go Under"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The little kid inside me felt scared to death and abandoned. I&#8217;d lost one parent to death; now, the other was out of reach in so many ways due to mental illness. I didn&#8217;t want it but had a front-row seat to watch the decline of someone I loved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was such a helpless experience.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I had to let go, or I was going to go under. Let go of the emotional responsibility that I alone was responsible for fixing what was happening. I have to say the thoughts; the uncertainty was all-consuming. I&#8217;d call it tortuous. Shame-filled, guilt-ridden thoughts raced continuously. And at some subconscious level, there was a question, &#8220;Would my mom stop loving me if I let go?&#8221; &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The answer was no, but my emotional reality couldn&#8217;t shake the possibility. I didn&#8217;t realize at the time that my enemy Satan had set his accusations into hyper-drive because I was choosing to walk in freedom by setting healthy boundaries and guarding my heart.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/proverbs\/4-23.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Proverbs 4:23 &#8211; CSB<\/a>&nbsp;&nbsp;Guarding my heart is just another way to say I was owning my stuff &#8211; my emotions, motivations, and pride, and I was letting go of the fact that I could effect change in another person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Somewhere also deep in my soul, this must have been the ultimate failure for a kid who never wanted to disappoint her dad. I was supposed to be the strong, calm, and un-flappable one like him. As firstborn, I was supposed to be the responsible helper, and I let this happen on my watch?? I&#8217;ve read since that birth order can set up the unhealthy dynamic of rescuer.&nbsp;Boy, did I try to rescue.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Even with a helping background, I was ill-equipped for this role. I swam out in the deep without Jesus to save my mom. I didn&#8217;t know it then, but I know it now; I was drowning myself.&nbsp;How could I have possibly been what she needed me to be?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Honestly, it was all so uncomfortable that if I could have been anywhere else, I would have chosen anywhere else. I let my feelings of abandonment, the fear of failure, and the rub of all this play out to erode and take command over the honor or value I placed on my mom. I will stand before God one day and account for that, but God made a way to clean the slate.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/nlt\/romans\/14-12.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Romans 14:12 &#8211; NLT&nbsp;<\/a>&nbsp;I needed to confess this to God and ask His forgiveness.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/1-john\/1-9.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">1 John 1:9 &#8211; CSB<\/a>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He brought me to a place where I understood my need for repentance, and He forgave because He is faithful, not because I was. God&#8217;s Holy Spirit kept me and taught me things in my suffering that I wasn&#8217;t going to learn any other way.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/job\/36-15.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Job 36:15 &#8211; CSB<\/a> God called me to honor and speak the truth in love.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/ephesians\/4-15.html\">Ephesians 4:15 &#8211; CSB<\/a>  And through what I learned in suffering and God changing my heart, we were able to enjoy a wholly redeemed and beautiful time together before she passed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yes, it is a helpless feeling to sit with someone in illness. And yes, to do it well is exceedingly difficult. I have to say, being on both sides of the equation &#8211; an ill person and caregiver &#8211; with and without Jesus. It is impossible to honor and love well while maintaining internal peace without Him.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/psalms\/116-7.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Psalm 116:7 &#8211; CSB&nbsp;<\/a>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What did I do right? I certainly stumbled and fell a lot, but God always picked me up when I turned to Him for help. God had already made a way for me to walk before Him in the land of the living. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/psalms\/passage\/?q=psalm+116:9-11\">Psalm 116:9-11 &#8211; CSB<\/a> And He had already been so good to me. His grace would fill the gap. So, the possibility of rest is available to me even if the worst happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Even if I was suffering. Even if I felt unsafe and uncertain. Even if I felt abandoned, the Lord would care for me.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblestudytools.com\/csb\/psalms\/27-10.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Psalm 27:10 &#8211; CSB<\/a>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I could rest in His care, no matter what.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The little kid inside me felt scared to death and abandoned. I&#8217;d lost one parent to death; now, the other was out of reach in so many ways due to mental illness. I didn&#8217;t want it but had a front-row seat to watch the decline&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":294,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[117,126],"class_list":["post-1361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-posts","tag-relationships","tag-suffering"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Letting Go Before You Go Under - Woman Made Well<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/womanmadewell.live\/?p=1361\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Letting Go Before You Go Under - Woman Made Well\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The little kid inside me felt scared to death and abandoned. 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