The Subtleties of Shame – Part 1
I’ve heard people say they don’t regret a single moment in their life. While I certainly understand that all our experiences and memories make us who we are, I know I have regrets. I have grieved and mourned over some of my decisions.
I bet you have too, if you’re honest.
Deep down, there is something we’d do over if we had a chance. Take back the hurtful words spoken in anger. Stay and tough it out instead of walking away from a responsibility that left a huge gap. Not take that first drink, that first pill, that first hit. Apologize before it was too late. Maybe something terrible happened to you. You vowed never to repeat it, but you did.
“No regrets?” I don’t think it’s possible.
We can try to convince ourselves all day long- no regrets – but the platitudes don’t cover the heartbreak and tragic consequences of hurt people, hurting people. And our national collective health report card confirms it – we’re not in a healthy place emotionally, physically or spiritually.
We absolutely are hardwired to understand and feel our regrets. The absence of that ability is pathologic. But do we choose to understand? Are we honest with ourselves?? Or does it hurt too much to remember and process?
Shame, remember, is the emotional wake of disconnection or even the anticipation of it. And when this pain remains unspoken, it causes so much damage and cuts off our healing potential. We must break its secrecy.
I’ve gotta be honest; shame is a recent discovery for me. It’s also recent in terms of church theology in western culture. The term only started showing up in theological literature in the 1990s. According to Werner Meischke of “The Global Gospel,” it has created a blind spot in literature and how pastors and the western church talk about shame.
No, shame is absolutely not new. The Bible has much to say. But as a culture, we just don’t talk about it much.
In Genesis chapter 2, the first humans were naked and unashamed. A few short verses later, they disobey God and discover they are naked. They hide and attempt to cover themselves. So the hiding from letting people get to know the real us, the covering up our faults, feeling “naked” or vulnerable in new situations – that’s all shame.
Shame has been in the background of my life the whole time; I just couldn’t name it. I would bet it’s lurking out in the dark corners and background of your life too.
We can talk about strategies for battling it, which I agree we must do. And we will battle it because we can’t allow the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage it’s getting away with. But until the grace of God covers our shame, it will still wield power and we will not live out our healthiest, fullest, most complete lives.
“Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5
Until we recognize shame, we can’t be curious about it; if we aren’t curious about it, we can’t be courageous to confront it. And until we courageously access the power Jesus provides by His free gift of a true covering with His salvation and grace, we won’t heal.
I’m so glad we are starting this discussion. Over the next several posts, we will explore shame’s subtleties and the feelings it hides behind. We explore its lies to talk about how to get more courageous to confront them.
God can do amazing things with a willing heart.
Genesis 2:25 – NLT – Now the man and his wife were both naked, but t…
Genesis 3:7 – NLT – At that moment their eyes were opened, and they…
Genesis 3:21 – NLT – And the LORD God made clothing from animal skin…
Psalm 34:5 – NLT – Those who look to him for help will be radiant …
