Words Matter / The Subtleties of Shame, Part 2

Have you felt helpless as a small child jumbles out a string of syllables you can’t understand? Can’t you visualize the connections firing in their little brains as they work, searching for the right word, and waiting for a hint of recognition? Unfortunately, a communication breakdown has occurred, and they may get angry, burst into tears, or quit trying.

Doesn’t that still happen no matter how old we are? When we feel that we haven’t been seen or heard, can’t we get angry, weepy, or just shut down and stop talking?

Being at a loss for words, especially after traumatic situations, is medically documented. Technology has helped us to begin to learn about how the brain functions. For example, Broca’s area – one of the brain’s speech centers – helps us put thoughts and feelings into words. However, this area can shut down, says Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. author of “The Body Keeps the Score.” In his research on trauma, he says, “Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered.” He goes on to say, “All trauma is preverbal.” And science continues to connect how our brains work with our physical body as it “keeps the score” and holds our emotions if we keep our pain silent and to ourselves. 

The only words I knew after my transplant was “something needed to change.” I had many questions, few words of explanation or even rationalization, and tons of shame and regret. 

My soul needed an interpreter, and my bitter, broken heart and mind needed a doctor. Hebrews 4:12 – NLT – For the word of God is alive and powerful. It i…

Jesus is the Great Physician and the only true balm for our soul. Lesser, temporary sources of healing will never satisfy or last. Mark 2:17 – NLT – When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy p…  Jeremiah 8:22 – NLT – Is there no medicine in Gilead? Is there no phy…

I’ve spent the better part of fifty years describing things I felt about the past in terms of regret. I know it was often my response to the fear of failure and not being enough that generated shame. Why? Because I was defined by it. It became part of my identity.

When I looked back at regret, I began to realize it looked and felt like a missed opportunity—a chance to be brave that I’d turned down for an easier, more comfortable path. Unable to process it as anything other than nerves or just icky feelings or “butterflies” at the time, I realize now it was fear—of messing up, not living up to expectations, not being enough.

10 Signs That You Might Have Fear of Failure

Fear of failure with experience that provided – what I thought was “proof” – sowed some very destructive seeds of shame in my life, and I’m sure I’m not alone. But we can become aware and see shame in its true light – a pervasive condition, fueling all kinds of chaos and damage, robbing generations of women from knowing who they are and from living life with purpose and meaning. 

I’m learning from my regrets, and you can too. It’s a courageous opportunity. 

Brené Brown, a renowned expert on shame, agrees. She talks about it in this way in her book “Rising Strong.” “Like all emotions, regret can be used constructively or destructively, but the wholesale dismissal of regret is wrongheaded and dangerous. “No regrets” doesn’t mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life.”

The “Woman Made Well” woman of Mark 5 may have suffered from regret – the text doesn’t say, but it does say that she decided “within herself” to believe that healing was possible if she could touch the mere tassel of Jesus’ robe. https://www.biblestudytools.com/nlt/mark/5-28.html

She made a determined choice for courage as she moved toward healing that was counter-cultural, brave, and bucked religious rules and traditions. Her courage allowed her to steer through very intimidating and uncomfortable people and situations to touch healing and receive her true identity.

She is our definition of curiosity, courage, and healing personified.

Shame is a condition with only one cure. But with humble – Woman Made Well – courage; we can access it.