Not One of the Many Anymore / Reality At All Costs, Part 3

“Had I done enough to go to heaven?” I was asking the question about something that honestly had never bothered me before.

I remember the nagging doubt about what I’d been doing in church the last forty-plus years, especially after listening to my college-age daughters talk about their growing spiritual faith. I knew I wanted the special sauce they had, but how?

My brain told me I’d checked off all the boxes. Infant baptized, check. Confirmed and examined in my personal faith in Jr. High, check. I identified and called myself a Christian, check. I was in the pew almost every Sunday. I participated and organized stuff for Jesus, lead the annual youth group fundraiser for Jesus, prayed at meal and bedtime to Jesus, check, check, and double-check.

I claimed faith. But my heart? Had I given that?

In the past, I could flick away a moment of doubt like a pesky mosquito, but now the uncertainty hung over me wearily. Like a burden without any reassurance, without a promise of relief.

I’m glad it didn’t lift because I was one of the many.  Matthew 7:21-23 – NLT 

Have you wondered if you have genuine saving faith, too? Maybe you didn’t grow up with a church tradition, but you believe in God but haven’t yet experienced Him? Perhaps you’ve been hurt by a church that wanted to control and manipulate? Jesus wants you to experience Him, not the dead religion based on human tradition and doctrines that have evolved over time. Mark 7:6-7 – NLT 

Sometimes we grow up with the mindset of what is required to be a Christian. As a result, we look like Christians from the outside. But on the inside, we can be far from following Jesus. When He is not the center of our life, He ends up an accessory we can point to or pull out our list of achievements or accomplishments to convince others we are good. 

But, if the reality of our thoughts and actions and how we handle things in our relationships isn’t full of faith, love, and joy – fruits of God’s Holy Spirit, which real genuine faith in God produces. We don’t have it. Galatians 5:22 – NLT   

Personally, my heart and life were full of anger and unforgiveness. I was experiencing relationship decline, and my go-to’s were blame, rage, and I used any excuse to drink and numb. Faith built on something other than the Rock will crumble. Matthew 7:24-27 – CSB 

I was one of the many. One of the many God’s Word says, inhabits the pews of churches today, they may have done excellent things for God but don’t relationally know Yahweh with a faith that’s full of emotion, tenderness, and discipline like a daddy/child relationship.  I had not given Jesus the most crucial piece of my existence – my whole heart. 2 Chronicles 16:9 – CSB 

I’d thought of God as distant and judgemental, always looking for a way to punish me. So I hid and covered myself with the appearances of faith. But God knew. 

No, God didn’t like what I was doing, but He didn’t want to punish me either. He wanted to love me. I didn’t know Jesus in this personal way. So the “Have I done enough?” question became, “Am I humble enough?” James 4:6 – NLT And I could never “do enough” to get to heaven anyway. It was a question with a flawed premise from the get-go. 

I was one of the many for decades.

What changed? 

I brought my broken spirit from a problem I couldn’t shake to God. Psalm 51:17 – CSB  Job 36:15 – ESV 

God doesn’t want our sacrifice; He wants our heart.