When Our Questions Don’t Have Answers

I hate this. Despite all the triumphs in medical advancement, here we are. An oxygen concentrator hums with white noise as hymns play in the background, all I can do is watch. It’s out of my hands. I really really hate this – watching the life fade from her body. Sometimes I still don’t believe it. At initial diagnosis, I didn’t think we’d ever get here.

Medical knowledge and technology have advanced so much and people beat cancer all the time. I thought we’d have the miracle story to tell. Any illusion or semblance of control is shattered by the simple fact that many of the questions I have don’t have an answer. And they won’t have an answer.

I’ll be honest, I’m fighting the urge to doubt. I’m mad, sad, frustrated, and impatient all rolled up together. But two choices to move forward are so clear to me this time around. 1 – To trust in God’s goodness and believe His plan is better even when the plan includes grief and suffering, especially when I don’t understand. Or 2 – let my own understanding determine my response and with doubt and unbelief reach for anything to comfort and numb myself. 

I’m choosing to trust God this time. He has shown me the better way. So when I start to doubt, I remember. I remember God’s mercy and grace to me in the past and how He saved me. And how He’s led me into healing and discovering His peace – what I was looking for but not found on my own.

With this loss, I’m determined to cling to God and allow the Holy Spirit to help me manage the feelings that want to take over. I won’t rely upon my own version of truth or allow my feelings to run the show and control my decision-making like they did the first time. Proverbs 3:5-6 – CSB

I am processing all my emotions with my God. He will hear my cry because He knows I want to follow Him wherever He leads. Psalm 116:1-2 He will comfort me. I’m going to talk to God in prayer and journaling and I will turn to safe and reliable spaces and friends when I need to talk about things. And I’ll be honest with Him about questions I have about His timing and situations that tempt me to question His goodness.

This goodbye is not like the one before that broke us. Even though I’ll miss her terribly, there is the sweetness of redemption, reconciliation, and no regrets, and quiet unshakable confidence that I will see her again. She ran her race. She will soon be complete. 2 Timothy 4:7 – CSB

So I take comfort in this. There is a different spirit inside both of us. The first storm actually broke ground inside us, refined and burnt off impurities which produced in both of us a character that is closer to Jesus’ character. It reminds us that the extraordinary power we have is not from us, but from God. 2 Corinthians 4:7 – CSB 

I will choose to believe God is good even when things don’t feel good. Psalm 34:8 – CSB

I will make the choice and agree, “Thy will be done.”