Wrestling With the Desire to be First

Flipping the “On” switch, I was thrilled to be physically able to do such a simple task again. A few short months earlier, it would not have been possible. But I was getting physically stronger, so what I once considered a chore looked like a welcomed opportunity to contribute to our home through the lens of gratitude. The first contribution in quite a while.  

As the white noise whirl filled the air, the outward appearance to anyone watching the solo scene wouldn’t have provided the slightest clue into the epic struggle going on between the two ear muffs in my mind. “Why do I need to tell anyone about this?” I asked myself. 

It was just God and me. And we were wrestling. Genesis 32:22-32 – NLT  

And while I grappled with the pain of shame in prayer, the strong, strong compulsion to keep everything safely tucked inside me and with my husband came to a crisis point. I wanted to do one thing, but now there was a different Spirit inside of me – the Holy Spirit – fighting for me, fighting for truth. Numbers 14:24 – NLT  

The old way seemed so much easier. Just do what comes naturally; keep it to me. Not lie about it but not broadcast it. I abhorred even thinking about the gaze of judgment and what people would think. Or be reminded of my inability to keep it all together. I had perfectly reasonable justifications about why no one needed to know how off-course things had gotten. 

I hadn’t experienced this dilemma play out before. In the past, I would have relied on what I thought and what my husband thought. Perhaps a search for advice would have guided me to seek someone the culture called an expert or to enter the world of researching it myself on the internet. But in the past, it would rarely lead me to God in prayer and never to His Word for help. 

But now, because of what we’d been through together, I wanted God’s input. So we wrestled. God was inviting me to embrace my weakness so He could perfect His strength inside of me. He promised His grace would strengthen me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 – ESV  

And then I saw it. There was my answer. 

As I vacuumed and wrestled, I reached underneath the passenger seat to discover something unusual. A silicone wristband with the words, I am Second ^TM, emerged from underneath the car’s passenger seat. Baffled, with absolutely no clue how it had gotten there, I went in and searched for the bracelet’s meaning. The wristband and slogan were part of a movement inviting people to put Jesus first and myself second. To stand up and say, Jesus’ message comes first – before preference, before family, before people’s approval, before comfort, before everything.  Matthew 6:33 – ESV 

I would only be able to do that by breaking the silence of my shame. It would start with sharing my story with someone who cared about me and loved Jesus. That’s where the healing begins. James 5:16 – ESV