The Rub of Relationship

I was swimming in the deep pool of memories as I drove home from my mom’s place for the last time. I was humbled with gratitude. I realized how I didn’t want to ever act as my own flotation device and savior again—amazed how grace and peace now buoyed a soul that was once drowning in anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. 

I was thankful for the hard. And the reminder of God’s faithfulness – another bald eagle – soared above me.

Eagles have shown up for me three times during the past five years. On the road to and from mom. These sightings have been a comfort like a hug from the arms of Jesus, a reassurance of His power to supply my weary, depleted strength, assurance of His complete and ultimate control in all circumstances, good and bad. Isaiah 40:31 – CSB   He’s not an absent Father uninterested in what’s going on. Instead, God saw me, He knew me, and hovered overhead like an eagle over His young. Genesis16:13-14 – CSB Deuteronomy 32:10-11 – CSB 

The whole truth is I was a very imperfect daughter. Mark 5:33 – CSB Our relationship had gotten rocky after dad died. If I glossed over reality, you wouldn’t fully understand the transformational work God did in my heart. And I believe in my mom’s as well. God found us both in the isolated and desolate place of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. He used the circumstances to sharpen us in the rub of relationship. Proverbs 27:17 – CSB 

You must know how far God pursued, how patient He was, and how merciful and gracious to restore our mother-daughter relationship in these last few years. Despite a pandemic, despite our ill health and all the pressures of life. To want to genuinely, wholeheartedly forgive, honor, and love the way God wanted me to, through my weakness and imperfection, simply was not my doing. So I take no credit except surrender; it was all God. 

Jesus unstuck me from a rut of trying to fix problems never mine to fix. I was trying to deal with them from my emotions and not from a place of security in God’s abiding love. He used the hard rub of relationship to make us look more like Jesus. Who knew it would be our saving grace?

It was this constant rub and struggle of relationship that kept me on my knees in prayer and kept me seeking God. As the old Kelli and new Kelli struggled, God’s Holy Spirit inside of me was advocating for me, as my Helper as I imperfectly walked out forgiveness, honor, and love toward my mom. 

With time and perspective through the lens of God’s Word and Spirit, I can now say, yes, I see what you did, Lord. I know now what you had to do in me to change my heart. I wouldn’t have chosen the path, but there was purpose in pain. So likewise, the messy, confusing, and frustrating has a purpose in God’s kingdom. And we are never alone, not once, even when we are hurt and don’t understand. 

He does. That is enough. His grace is sufficient. 2 Corinthians 12:9 – CSB

These days I’m thankful for the hard and the rub of relationship. God produced something beautiful from the scattered and broken pieces of two imperfect people sold out to Him.