The Grace Exchange

I wanted rules. “Weren’t there rules for relationships?” I didn’t realize this was the question I was trying to answer as I googled the subject of honor. A genuine honoring relationship was now something I desperately wanted but knew I didn’t have yet. Sparked by the Holy Spirit’s presence and my gratitude for all God had done for me built momentum for the “want to”, but I was still operating in a lot of the same old relational patterns.

Um, God can I have a checklist or something here to go by? Aren’t there any rules to follow, please?

I was floundering to honor one of the most significant relationships in my life. Yes, I hate to admit it, but it’s true. My heart didn’t match my actions for a long time. I was just going through the motions. 

Of course, I wanted to know and do what God had to say about honor, and I did go to scripture first, but old Kelli also wanted assurance that she was doing it right. Rules and following them to a “T” was a safe and comfortable space and would be my protection. Rules would keep me safe from judgment and condemnation.

I wanted to make sure I’d do it right. I also was looking for something to say, okay I’ve done everything I was supposed to do and I’m not giving any more. It’s not too hard to get advice or a checklist of anything these days. So I got myself a “how to honor” list. I didn’t realize it was another facet of perfectionism finding its way to the surface. Because my safe, fallback position to avoid conflict or to avoid the pain of disappointing anybody was following rules and perfectionism.

Oh, the safety of perfectionism. It felt safe to be able to know I was doing honor right. But is was a false sense of safe because I was never going to avoid the pain of disconnection or disappointing people. I had just convinced myself that I thought I could. But, it was a lie. Remember, Brené Brown says, “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield.”

When God touched me with His presence, He didn’t leave me unchanged. Mark 5:30-33  My relationships would need to look different too because I was different. I knew my relationship “rules” didn’t work very well. So I’d need new strategies or new ways of thinking, and I needed the Holy Spirit to teach me. John 14:26 The shield of my perfectionism couldn’t remain in my relationships any longer.

I didn’t live under a covenant of laws or rules anymore; I lived under a covenant of grace. Ephesians 1:7-10 To honor well, I’d need to be empowered by grace not driven by rules. Rules are not wrong in themselves, but rule-following is something that is never finished. Because we aren’t perfect, we always leave something incomplete, undone or messed up. That’s why we need something better than rules to get off the hamster wheel of rule-following performance.

It’s called grace. And it’s lavishly, extravagantly available to God’s kids.

Jesus’ sacrifice did what rules and checklists could never do. Cover us with grace once and for all so without condemnation we can move forward to love others the way He loves us.