It’s a Matter of Honor

I’m not going to lie. The biblical meaning of honor ruffled my feathers a little bit. It was a gut-level resistance. But, at the same time, I could also sense the internal pressure valve release as truth made its way to the surface of my conscious mind. Finally, finally, I had words to wrap around the problem. 

I had an honor problem.

I began an honestly look at how God’s Word defined honor and evaluating myself. Biblical honor means valuing, esteeming, and greatly respecting others. Honor was something I thought I knew about and demonstrated. And from the outside looking in, it seemed that I did. However, the product of obligation and fear of failing expectation fueled “honor” did not produce anything resembling the honor God talks about in His Word. 

In fact, those negative motivators delivered quite the opposite. My heart was not genuinely honoring, and somewhere deep inside – my body, mind and spirit knew it.

I longed for a heart and mind no longer divided. I longed for freedom in my relationships. I desired to honor others with God’s integrity and authenticity. I wanted Jesus’ compassion. I wanted His grace AND truth model. John 1:14  I wanted to love as He loves. I wanted to let my ‘yes’ be yes, and my ‘no’ be no. Matthew 5:37   

I was getting lost in the confusion of what was mine to control and own and what wasn’t. And part of honoring and loving well with grace and truth was clearly separating those boundaries so I could act accordingly. 

To tame the conflict inside and honor well, I realized boundaries were missing. I needed boundaries to honor people well, including boundaries for my own heart, mind, and body. Proverbs 4:23  Authentic love for people the way God wanted me to love wasn’t possible with my old skill set. Because I learned to navigate relationships from an unstable foundation based on obligation, guilt, and fear, not honor and love. Matthew 7:24-27 

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, the authors of Boundaries, say, “Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.”

My problem with honor came down to this. I was trying to control situations and issues that were not mine. It led to frustration and anger that could have been avoided if I had had clear boundaries in my life. The lack of limits led to a place where I didn’t want to honor certain relationships because I didn’t think it was deserved. 

But God wasn’t asking my opinion about who I felt like honoring or not. Because all authority is established by God, not observing who He says to honor is really dishonoring Him. Accordingly, I needed to respect and esteem the position of those God placed in authority over me. Not because their behavior or performance necessarily merited it but because God decided it, and He deserves all honor. Romans 13:1  

But how? 

To do this, we need to get honest with ourselves. The stress and exhaustion of a heart that isn’t “all in” is draining to maintain. It’s like wearing a mask everywhere we go, depleting precious ounces of energy.

When our heart, mind, and actions don’t align, We’re not honoring; we’re not loving. We’re acting.

Here is the good news, with and because of Jesus, we don’t have to live like that anymore. It will be our choice to trust God to bring good from whatever complicated authority situation comes our way. And if we are patient and persevere through that difficult to honor relationship, the Holy Spirit inside us with God’s Word will cut through the lies we’ve been believing to mold our character into someone who genuinely honors and loves well. This will be our flame, attracting others to God’s light inside us.