Letting Go Before You Go Under
The little kid inside me felt scared to death and abandoned. I’d lost one parent to death; now, the other was out of reach in so many ways due to mental illness. I didn’t want it but had a front-row seat to watch the decline of someone I loved.
It was such a helpless experience.
But I had to let go, or I was going to go under. Let go of the emotional responsibility that I alone was responsible for fixing what was happening. I have to say the thoughts; the uncertainty was all-consuming. I’d call it tortuous. Shame-filled, guilt-ridden thoughts raced continuously. And at some subconscious level, there was a question, “Would my mom stop loving me if I let go?”
The answer was no, but my emotional reality couldn’t shake the possibility. I didn’t realize at the time that my enemy Satan had set his accusations into hyper-drive because I was choosing to walk in freedom by setting healthy boundaries and guarding my heart. Proverbs 4:23 – CSB Guarding my heart is just another way to say I was owning my stuff – my emotions, motivations, and pride, and I was letting go of the fact that I could effect change in another person.
Somewhere also deep in my soul, this must have been the ultimate failure for a kid who never wanted to disappoint her dad. I was supposed to be the strong, calm, and un-flappable one like him. As firstborn, I was supposed to be the responsible helper, and I let this happen on my watch?? I’ve read since that birth order can set up the unhealthy dynamic of rescuer. Boy, did I try to rescue.
Even with a helping background, I was ill-equipped for this role. I swam out in the deep without Jesus to save my mom. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now; I was drowning myself. How could I have possibly been what she needed me to be?
Honestly, it was all so uncomfortable that if I could have been anywhere else, I would have chosen anywhere else. I let my feelings of abandonment, the fear of failure, and the rub of all this play out to erode and take command over the honor or value I placed on my mom. I will stand before God one day and account for that, but God made a way to clean the slate. Romans 14:12 – NLT I needed to confess this to God and ask His forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 – CSB
He brought me to a place where I understood my need for repentance, and He forgave because He is faithful, not because I was. God’s Holy Spirit kept me and taught me things in my suffering that I wasn’t going to learn any other way. Job 36:15 – CSB God called me to honor and speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15 – CSB And through what I learned in suffering and God changing my heart, we were able to enjoy a wholly redeemed and beautiful time together before she passed.
Yes, it is a helpless feeling to sit with someone in illness. And yes, to do it well is exceedingly difficult. I have to say, being on both sides of the equation – an ill person and caregiver – with and without Jesus. It is impossible to honor and love well while maintaining internal peace without Him. Psalm 116:7 – CSB
What did I do right? I certainly stumbled and fell a lot, but God always picked me up when I turned to Him for help. God had already made a way for me to walk before Him in the land of the living. Psalm 116:9-11 – CSB And He had already been so good to me. His grace would fill the gap. So, the possibility of rest is available to me even if the worst happens.
Even if I was suffering. Even if I felt unsafe and uncertain. Even if I felt abandoned, the Lord would care for me. Psalm 27:10 – CSB
I could rest in His care, no matter what.
