Never Meant To Rescue
The words meant well. The terms “strong” and the phrase “things would be okay” came from a heart that wanted to help. My head might have nodded, and my mouth might have attempted a polite smile, but inside, I knew it wasn’t true.
That was the day I knew everything had changed.
Words did little to comfort me. Instead, anxiety and fear about the future escalated off the charts. And I felt responsible for how things were going to play out. There was a new weight and pressure I hadn’t felt before. Everything did not feel okay, and I wasn’t strong. I had my go-to comforter to ease my anxiety and numb these new stresses. But relatively soon, I knew the depth and width of this new hole in my life couldn’t be filled up with alcohol.
I was drowning. And I was finally waking up to the fact.
Has loss or grief left you so desperate for the suffering to stop, but you feel if you let even a little out, you won’t be able to control it? Are you processing tough things alone because you think you need to stay strong for everyone else? Are you helplessly watching someone you love tailspin, and you have no idea how to help them?
If you feel unsafe, vulnerable, and utterly powerless in what is happening to you right now as I did, maybe you’ve gone into rescuer mode, too?
Let me tell you the truth about rescuing. What it did was help me feel some control under circumstances when I didn’t have any. It was an illusion. In the meanwhile, it distracted me from processing the impact of loss.
Danny Silk, author of “Keep Your Love On,” says it like this. “If you’re a rescuer, you’re taking responsibility for someone else’s life in an attempt to feel powerful.” He goes on to say, “Firstborn children are prime candidates for the rescuer role, because they are often trained from the time they are little to take care of people who are less powerful.” And he adds, “Rescuing people from themselves and taking responsibility for their lives is a familiar role, and feels like love, But it actually can create unhealthy codependence.”
A sense of responsibility and obligation drove my behavior, not love. And the pressure kept building and building. Smoldering coals of anger and bitterness beneath the surface remained.
With a shifting foundation underneath me, I was heading straight for a huge collapse. Matthew 7:27 – CSB
I changed my zip code, had a new house, a new job with different colleagues, a new church. I could change all those external things, and yet nothing inside me had changed.
The truth was I couldn’t rescue anybody, and I needed a rescuer. Colossians 1:13-14 – CSB
When I admitted it and humbled myself in genuine submission, God heard my cry. Psalm 116:4-6 – CSB
We can’t escape this life, any of us, pain-free, but we don’t have to go through it alone or waste pain’s purpose. God offers us rescue through His Son, Jesus, and promises never to leave or forsake us.
