Fueled By Gratitude

Unable to move a muscle because they didn’t have strength. Tethered to cords and catheters, beeps and buzzers, a plethora of monitoring devices to track my every breath, heartbeat, and bodily system. This was helplessness I’d never experienced before. I was utterly subdued. Psalm 116:6  

Physically humbled. I saw my true state of being in a moment of divine clarity. I didn’t control anything. Simultaneous shock and awe and gratitude washed over me. Psalm 116:1-2 – NLT

Have you had that moment of clarity too? A close call? For yourself or a loved one? Or did the moment come after the passing of someone special? We see with a new perspective – eyes wide open – fully appreciating how fragile and short life really is?

Oh, how things can change in a moment.  Psalm 39:4-6 AMP 

But my newfound clarity also had a tag-a-long joy-snatching sponge. 

Following oh so closely behind my Thanksgiving day parade was the loud, ugly accusing voice of shame. I wondered if my behavior had contributed to the failure of my liver? The answer defies medical knowledge to this day. But at that time, I was ready to own it all and condemn myself. After all, isn’t that what I’d been doing already? Taking the emotions, I couldn’t express in healthy ways and turning them inward, hurting myself? Hiding in isolation because I didn’t want to “be known” while dulling emotional pain with one of the only ways I knew how to deal with it? 

Condemning myself felt natural and right. “How could I have let myself get so lost,” I’d ask myself? Honed over a lifetime of relationships and experiences. All this had shaped what I thought about myself. 

As my self-condemning voice would rise inside my mind to try to squash whatever semblance of self-worth I held, God’s Holy Spirit was already fighting the internal battle for me. More potent than the shame response I was feeling was the gratitude I was expressing. Shame already lost the war inside of me because of salvation in Jesus. Now I’d still fight battles for freedom to not let shame control me anymore.

We all have the opportunity to be made well in our bodies, minds, and souls fueled by true gratitude. Matthew 9:21-22 CSB

I love this quote by author Denise Pass. She has a great post called “Removing Shame With Gratitude” that I’ll provide a link to here. Removing Shame with Gratitude She writes, “True gratitude comes from the heart that has seen its own shame and been delivered from it.”

Grace-fueled gratitude is more powerful, and it produces a longing to know the Lord who saves. Gratitude can wash over the lies of unworthiness and self-hatred. Gratitude can help us keep track of Who has control. We can say, “I’m here. God wants me here, or I wouldn’t be here.” The Holy Spirit inside of us can shape and mold the new identity we put on because of what Jesus did on the cross. His blood covered us and our shame.

God has the final say in my life. The final say over the knowledge of technology and doctors. Over my physical body and emotions. Over the medications and treatments, relationships, and me. 

Who has the final say in your life?